Things with life

Just as things start looking up we get smashed right back to the ground. We've only just began to start getting things paid off and now we are behind once again. Although we have everything we could ever ask for I just try to stay positive in even the most negative situations. That is why I have to keep hope. Having hope keeps me happy throughout my whole entire day.
Anyways I'm getting very irritated at this moment with my annoying dogs. Well I should say one of my dogs is being annoying. Every single time I put my older dog outside she starts barking at the door constantly. I just want to get up and throw her in her kennel but my husband says to just ignore her. It's super ANNOYING though!!!!! GAH!!!!!!

Arguments!

It kind of sucks when you do everything in your power to make the relationship better but yet he doesn't appreciate the things I do for him. Yes he works Monday through Friday but that doesn't give him the right not to pick up after himself. I'm not some little fairy maid that is going to come around behind him and pick up after him. I know that he was raised better then this. For the past week I've been keeping this house spotless clean and tonight since were having an argument he has to throw in my face that I don't clean. This house is not a mess and he needs to grow up and learn to get over little things. Yes I call him a retard, stupid, idiot, and other names but I can't help it. He just makes me so mad at times and that is the only way I can express how I feel is by hurting him. Blaming everything on one person is not a healthy relationship and he needs to learn that. Now he is mad that he can't read what I'm writing but this is my own personal thoughts and this is how I feel about things. I already know he would get mad at everything that is said in each of my blogs. BUT who am I suppose to turn to. I don't like talking about our marriage problems to other people because I feel its not their business and I want people to think our marriage is amazing and nothing is going on. Maybe I should just let him read this and then maybe he will understand how I feel. I'm not saying I'm perfect but he needs to realize that I'm only human and if I'm going to change then he needs to change as well.

Boring Day

Today has been a bit boring. I woke up at 5:15am to be able to take my husband to work because I needed the car today. I went and picked up my friends daughter from her work to take her daughter to school. I get all the way there and she ends up being sick. I then proceed to call her mother and I end up taking her daughter to my house. We watched 3 movies and they were, Dennis the Menace, The Cat in the Hat, and Aladdin and the king of thieves. Although we didn't finish Aladdin we still had a good time. Then her mom picked her up and took her home because her dad was home. Now I'm just waiting till 5:30pm for my husband to arrive and I can't wait till he gets home. I do need to wash the dishes so I can cook tonight but at the same time I'm so tired I just don't want to do anything. I've been keeping the living room cleaned spotless and I actually did the dishes yesterday instead of having my husband do them. I've come to realize I am the one that stays home all day and he is the one that works so I need to be keeping this house clean.

No more then an answer

Today is a new day and yesterday is history.

I can't let go what he said last night. I know that it may sound stupid but I just can't remove what he said out of my head. He asks me why I didn't say good morning this morning but why should I? I told him he should have been careful as to what he said. Today will be a silent day and no talking to him. I know it sounds childish but I can't forgive him and I'm tired of him always saying those things to me. I don't want to divorce him but I don't want him to emotionally destroy me. Things aren't the same between us and it kills me. He is always so mean to me and I just don't want to end this. Maybe I should let him read my blogs but then again I don't want him to turn this around on me and get mad for the things I've said.

Your Beautiful

When I first started talking to my husband he sang, "You are Beautiful" to me and it made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Now every time I hear it, it just reminds me of who he use to be. I just wish he could show how much he cares for me and how much he loves me like he use to. I don't think things will go back to the way they were. I really don't think I'm beautiful anymore. Even though other guys tell me, I just feel like some slave of a house wife who just keeps gaining weight and is turning into a beached whale.

Things he says

I don't understand why he gets so mad all the time. I ask him to repeat what he said while I was in the bathroom because I didn't hear him. What he said was meant to be mean and hurt me and he wouldn't repeat himself so I kept repeating myself over and over asking him what he said. Finally he said why don't you just stay in Oregon or something along those lines. I don't understand why he has to say that to me. I feel like he wants a divorce but doesn't want to do it because he knows it will hurt me. I don't know what I'm going to do because I can't stay unhappy for the rest of my life but I don't want to leave someone that I love so dearly. I know that god wouldn't put us through something we couldn't get through but how much longer is he going to put me through hurt. At times I find myself wanting to pack up all of my things while he is at work and just leave him. It hurts me to even think those things because that is not what I want. I just don't get why he treats me the way he does. If he doesn't want to be with me then why doesn't he just leave.

It's not that easy

There are times when I feel he doesn't love me at all and then there are times when I feel he loves me till death do us apart. But lately he has just been so mean and uncaring. I don't know what to do because I don't want to leave him, yet I'm unhappy and feel so secluded. He never wants to spend time with just him and I, he always wants to be with his friends or playing some sort of game. We haven't been able to go to the movies together without our friends because he always wants to invite them along. I just wish he could see how he is making me feel. I try to tell him but he just tells me to deal with it and that is who he is. I'm scared that one day I will have to make the hardest decision in my life, a divorce. I really don't want to be divorced from him but I can't sit here and be unhappy in this life. I'm thousands of miles away from my family and friends that are so near and dear to my heart, so its not like I can just up and leave when we get into fights. I feel this rush of anger that comes to me and it makes me just want to punch him as hard as I can but I know I can't do that. Every time he tells me to clean I usually do it but then get no appreciation for it. Instead I get well you didn't clean this and you didn't clean that. The only thing I ask him to clean is the kitchen and our back yard because of the dog poop. Does he actually clean the kitchen NO, he just lets the pots sit there with nasty food in it and then still expects me to cook dinner even when the kitchen is completely gross. I understand that he works all day and that I'm a stay at home wife but he doesn't understand that I'm not going to clean up after him every single day and that he still has responsibilities just like I do when it comes to our home. I think I know why god hasn't blessed us with a baby and its because he wants us to work on our marriage. But how can I work on something that I feel isn't going to go anywhere?